A griever's guide to
Thanksgiving
November 19, 2016
|
Sarah Lyman Kravits
Thanksgiving, a holiday that many find
tough to negotiate after someone they love has died, is once again around the
corner. This is my third Thanksgiving without my brother alive on this earth. I
cannot say, so far, that grieving has become easier. What I can say is that
I’ve gotten more adept at coping, more able to think through my options for how
to navigate the days. This becomes especially important around holidays or at
whatever time a particular family has traditionally gathered to spend time
together.
There is no one right way for a grieving
person to approach Thanksgiving or any other holiday. There aren’t even 500
right ways. There are as many right ways as there are grieving people. Each
situation is as unique as a fingerprint, with its once-in-a-lifetime
combination of circumstances of the death, makeup of the family, personal
traditions, nature of the relationships involved, number of years out from the
loss, and much more.
Complicated, yes. But not impossible to
address. With some thought and effort, you can find ways to get what you need
over this holiday weekend. How might you arrive at your particular collection
of choices for Thanksgiving of 2016? I offer the following gifts – not from me
to you, but for you to present to yourself.
Give yourself
time, before and during the holiday, to think through what you need. What works for you this year
may not look like what you’ve wanted any other year. Take some quiet time and
entertain different options, even ones that seem completely out of character
with the holiday. Talk with family members about your ideas and invite them to
share theirs. For some, sticking to traditional locations, people, and foods
may provide comfort; for others, this can be astoundingly painful. Do you want
to be somewhere different from your customary holiday location? Eat completely
uncharacteristic foods? Be with only your immediate family instead of a crowd?
Order in takeout and gather your kids to eat in bed with you and watch a movie?
Some may want to enhance the meal or weekend with special ceremonies that
memorialize the deceased loved one, whereas others may want to keep the topic
under wraps for all but the most private moments. No decision is perfect, but
somewhere there is a choice that serves you at this moment.
Give yourself permission to be honest
with family and friends about how you feel. People who love you often have ideas
about what you should do in different situations, and Thanksgiving is no
exception. Friends and family may also offer opinions about your current
choices and state of mind. Even when suggestions come from a place of love and
caring, they may not be what you need right now. You have the right to express
your needs honestly to friends and family. Explain as best you can that if your
needs differ from what they offer or prefer, this reflects no judgment of them
or their ideas. Help them understand that at this trying time, you simply must
listen to yourself, and honor your needs, in order to continue to function.
Give yourself
compassion and understanding if you fall apart, or if you don’t. No
matter how strong our resolve and how lofty our intentions, we cannot
ultimately know how we will react to a holiday after a difficult loss. Whether
you are newly bereaved or years down the road from a loss, a day like
Thanksgiving can bring feelings to the forefront. Some become overwhelmed with
emotion; conversely, others may find themselves calm in a way that can provoke
judgment. Whether your emotions and behavior square with your expectations –
and the expectations of others – or not, your willingness to meet those
emotions with compassion will allow you to feel what you need to feel, and move
through the feelings, without adding the painful burden of justifying them to
yourself or others.
Give yourself
freedom to switch gears without advance notice. Even if you
take time to think through your choices, even if you’ve worked with family members
and friends to come up with a plan, you may get in the middle of your
Thanksgiving experience and realize that everything feels awful. If this
happens, and you begin to think you are a failure, or weak, or that you are
ruining everyone’s day, try to set those judgments aside. Try to accept the
truth of your emotions and offer yourself compassion. You might want to leave
the place where all have gathered and go on a long walk or drive on your own.
You might need to go to bed for a while. You may have an impulse to do
something, eat something, or experience something that lies completely outside
of the holiday plan. In the moment when new needs become clear and strong, see
if you can honor them in a way that doesn’t turn the day on its head for everyone
else.
Collect these
gifts into a cornucopia of self-care. Put them on your metaphorical holiday
table. Share them with those around you. I wish you strength, love, and the
courage to shape the holiday in a way that reflects your needs. May this Thanksgiving
give you as much peace as is possible in this moment in time.
INTERNET
SOURCE: http://www.lifewithoutjudgment.com/single-post/2016/11/18/A-grievers-guide-to-Thanksgiving
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